Nobody is thinking about you..!
I used to spend a lot of time distressing about how other people judged me. What I wore, was it appropriate, did it fit precise? Did I speak too much? Did I speak too little? This person must think I’m too intense. And that person must think I’m not very entertaining. And the thoughts were worse at certain times. When I was presenting in a work meeting, or when I was out at a social event. It was so distracting and difficult to stay in the present moment.
When I was in my twenties, I met a prudent woman in her mid-seventies. Who offered me a superb piece of hip wisdom. She said: We all spend our twenties and thirties trying so hard to be perfect. Because we’re so worried about what people will think of us. Then we get into our forties and fifties, and we finally start to be free, because we decide that we don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of us. But you won’t be completely free until you reach your sixties and seventies, when you finally realize this liberating truth—Nobody was ever thinking about you, anyhow-They aren’t. They weren’t. They never were. People are mostly just thinking about themselves. People don’t have time to worry about what you’re doing, or how well you’re doing it, because they’re all caught up in their own dramas. People’s attention may be drawn to you for a moment (if you succeed or fail spectacularly and publicly, for instance), but that attention will soon be gone.
I realize now that people are not thinking about you and me or caring what is said about us. They are thinking about themselves-before breakfast, after breakfast, and right on until ten minutes past midnight. They would be a thousand times more concerned about a slight headache of their own than they would about the news of your death or mine.
Really life is about narcissism; no one is ever thinking about you much. You always think people are thinking about you way more than they are.
Nobody outside of your immediate family and circle of friends really cares very much about you because you don’t impact their lives.
Most people are focused predominantly on themselves. They have neither the time nor the energy to devote to people that have little effect on them.Plus, somewhat ironically, the only concern most people have for you is their own misguided self-consciousness about what you are thinking about them!
There’s actually scientific evidence that we mostly think about ourselves.Back in 1997, Dunbar, Marriott et al studied the topic and content of human conversations. They found that 78% of conversations involved talking about ourselves and our perceptions of the world.
More recently (2018), Meyer and Lieberman proposed a theory about why people are always thinking about themselves. There is a certain area of the brain (MPFC/DA 10) that is sort of the “default network” area. It gets activated when the brain is at rest and not engaged in external demands. Their imaging work confirmed that it is also the same area that lights up when we think about ourselves. In other words, our brain’s default is to think about ourselves. So the research supports this truth. We talk about ourselves more than anything else. We use our own experiences to make assumptions about other people. And our brain is wired to think about ourselves when it’s not engaged in other external demands.
When I am worried that someone thinks I’m too intense. Or that I’m not doing a good job at a presentation at work. Who is actually thinking that?
Me. I’m thinking about myself and believing those thoughts. But are other people judging me in the same way?
The biggest truth is that we have no idea what other people are thinking and we never will.
But the most likely scenario is that the people around me are wondering what I think about them. Or something else related to themselves. And I’m the only one thinking all those negative thoughts about myself. What I’ve seen is that people are often the harshest and most judgmental about parts of other people that they are insecure about in themselves.
So the next time someone calls you something mean or makes a judgement about you and how you live your life. Instead of internalizing it and making it mean something about you. Ask yourself, what does it mean about them? What negative thoughts do they have about themselves that “anchor” their belief about you?
The absolute freedom in realizing that nobody is thinking about you
When you realize that most people’s thoughts are about themselves. When you actually internalize this concept, the freedom is incredible.
It means, I can do my work presentation and believe whatever I want about how I did. This shift might not happen overnight. And it won’t exist all the time. Nothing is perfect, absolute, or black and white.
But the next time you find yourself feeling completely judged. The next time you are overcome with the belief that other people are thinking mean, terrible, horrible thoughts about you.
Remember, you have no idea what they’re actually thinking. But it’s unlikely to be about you. And more likely to be about themselves.
So you’re free to think anything you want, good or bad. And remove the inner speech from your mind and return to the present moment. What a relief..!
Now I never be bothered by what people say, as long as I know in my heart I am right. Let’s be clear about this: I am not advocating ignoring all criticism. Far from it. I am talking about ignoring only unjust criticism. Do the very best you can: and then put up your old umbrella and keep the rain of criticism from running down the back of your neck. Let’s keep a record of the fool things we have done and criticize ourselves. Since we can’t hope to be perfect, let’s ask for unbiased, helpful, constructive criticism.